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Eihan

Was gonna call in sick today, because I am sick, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. My throat's been hurting all week, I haven't had a day off in so long, my face is completely broken out (a veritable battle ground), I'm tired, and I had an emotional break-down last night, during dinner. Dinner that I ate alone, thankfully, because I had this horrible tantrum. It was really, really bad.

I was tired, lonely, bummed-out about spending another Saturday at work, and I was eating convenience-food fare (Neopolean ネオポリアン spaghetti) which I had decided needed some grated parmesan cheese. I started shaking the tiny container of Kraft's (believe it or not, they have Kraft's Grade-A Grated Parmesan Cheese here), only I was too tired to realize that the top was open and I violently shook parmesan cheese all over myself, the table, the carpet...everything except the spaghetti. Normally, I would have been pissed, but would have secretly laughed about it. This time, however, I was just too tired to deal with it. I started crying, then I bashed myself over the head so hard with my fists that I couldn't see straight for a little while, then I ripped off my clothes (which were covered in cheese) and screamed and screamed and threw things (it's a miracle that nothing broke). Then I crouched on the floor and cried into my arms for a while, wiping cheese off my face and shaking it out of my hair.

Though by far the worst I've had in a long time, it's by no means the first temper tantrum I've had since getting here. I wonder if it's a result of the new medication I'm on, or if I've always had screaming fits and never noticed because I was never really in earshot of someone who could hear them. Last year I was surrounded on both sides by extra rooms (in my dorm), so I didn't have to worry about people hearing. I don't remember ever bashing myself in the head so hard--and it can't have been good for my brain--but I can't swear I've never had a temper tantrum like that before. I used to have violent ones like that when I was 15 or so, where I would beat myself and yank my hair (which I did last night....I'm tender-headed, but my hair aint coming out just from yanking violently on it) and scream silently at everything.

I've also been having all of these violent thoughts lately. While walking home, I usually imagine scenarios and such (which I do all the time), but this past semester, I began to notice a trend. When I imagine these possible scenes, they always turn violent. I always imagine myself screaming at somebody, or killing somebody, or beating somebody. It's really unsettling, having a recurrence of thoughts I haven't had since I was 16 or 17, at the latest. I mean, that's what the medications for, right? Right?

Although not as good as zoloft was, there aren't any side effects (unless you count flying into uncontrollable rages as a side effect), which, sadly, is more important than efficacy. With the zoloft, it was: well, I can't get off and I can't stay awake, so I'll just be not-depressed in my sterile sleep, thank you very much. Which was very not cool.

Eck, I'm too tired and sick to keep going on this rant. I am so tired.

I am so, so, so, so tired.

I was going to go out drinking with my coworkers after the eihan proctoring and grading is over, but at this rate, I just don't see how I can make it. I'm gonna go home and sleep.

Btw, I just remembered that there's this really really amazing show on TV on Thursday nights from 9-10 (past my bedtime) called "Trick," only the "k" is backwards. It has the guy from Antiques (the seating host guy) in it, and the girl from that car commercial where the little kid picks up the car and jerks it around and puts it down and a girl falls out of the car and says "Na-Nani?!" (Wh-What?!) It's about all these supernatural occurances and the way it's filmed is just brilliant. I must have originally been a manga, because the way scenes are cut is just too manga-like. There are some scenes where all you see it the corner of a person's face and then long-shots of an entire room, etc. It's completely brilliant.

Just thinking about that show really brightens my day. ^_^ Glad I thought of it.

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