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I saw her today

I didn't see the water in the gutter today. There was nothing but sky and clouds and trees in the ditch along the sidewalk. I didn't see the glass front on the trophy case. But I did see Sebry. She was there in the darkened panes, looking back at me, talking along the inside of the case. It didn't startle me, not really, but it did stop my mind for a moment, hush the voices, and make me look. My hair isn't nearly thick enough for me to have 6 full braids, but in the darkness of the glass, it looked like her.

I'm turning into my own creations. Or is it the other way around?

I've lost enough weight now that I'm starting to look like me again. I had forgotten what I looked like.

I'm also at the point where it's hard for me to tell what size I really am. I'm getting back to the old state of "well, my thighs look big in comparison to my ankles...." It's horrible. I wish how I felt about myself didn't all come down to numbers. 147.1, 142.3, 139.6, etc. I sound like the name of a freaking radio station. I think I was happier at 145 than I am now.

I am completely ripped through the middle, which is odd because I haven't really worked out since mid-July. I'm slowly getting back into doing crunches and pushups, etc, but not with the same fever that took me before. The closer you get, the harder it is. If I didn't have extra fat and skin over my muscles, it'd be freaking scary--I'd be pulling a total Ah-nold [Schwarzenegger--sp?].

But nobody wants a scary girl.

I build muscle so fast and without effort that it makes your head spin. I know guys who'd die to be able to do this. I sit up and BAM! I'm toned underneath. Weirdness. I'm completely rock-solid now. ::doesn't understand how::

I bought some taebo DVDs to put the joy back in exercising. They're really good in terms of making it seem like I'm not working hard (the videos are so confusing that even the people in them get lost a lot, which means that I have to really concentrate to keep up--and that makes it go by much faster). That pilates one was killing me. The only thing about taebo, though, is that it goes against everything I've ever learned from/about martial arts. It's totally NOT a real martial art. It's good exercise (especially for my poor heart), but I think it does nothing more than fool women into thinking that now they know how to defend themselves. (And all the punching-without-twisting stuff is absolutely killing me.) It's a great workout, but I spend the entire time rolling my eyes at the moves. The weakest forms in the world I swear.

I *so* want to start doing real martial arts or taiko again. ::misses taiko so badly it hurts:: I think what I miss most about taiko is all my taiko buddies (Shun-chan definitely included). We were all friends and could hang out together (at least, that was true for me--I know some people who didn't get along, but that wasn't my problem). I liked everybody and [I think] everybody liked me. It was about the music at first, but eventually it turned into being about the group. I miss my taiko people terribly (especially Aya). I SO WISH I could have stopped by St. Louis when I was home this summer. Just to see everybody again (even though Shun, Doran, and Michelle are all gone, as is Arian, but that's no huge loss). I like Arian enough, but he didn't get along well with the group, and I got the feeling that he really wanted a 3-way with me and poor Ellen. I miss Ellen, too, and our midnight runs to coffee shops (like Aesop's--is that what it was called?) where she'd spill her heart to me and I'd be happy my life was simpler than that. The school part of Wash U was hell, but the taiko part of my college experience was one of the best parts of my life. If I could move back to St. Louis, I'd do it, but only because I want to be part of that group again. Even if some of the principle characters have changed.

Well, it's late. Better be getting to bed. Drew a lot last night--will probably post tomorrow or something. The stuff that came out is totally not my drawing style at all, but I like it.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
byakurenbrent
Sep. 30th, 2004 10:52 pm (UTC)
Taiko rules. However BYAKUREN KAIKAN KARATE is the shit!!!!!!!!!
www.byakuren.com
www.minami-dojo.com
www.asada-dojo.com

Pick one. Im one the first web site. The second two are friends of mine. Minami Sensei's dojo is in Mikunigaoka. Its pretty easy to find. Asada Sensei's is a little farther. Seriously, check it out. There is a list of all the dojos on the homepage. Seriously. And tell them I sent you. They ALL know who I am. EVERY one of the across Japan. I promise.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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