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I find myself wondering about spirituality and supernatural existence. Life after death. In the middle of yet another dull meeting that I only half-understand, my mind will wander to dark places. I have an affinity for scaring myself. But it's not fright or fear so much as sadness. What sort of God could have made all of this? My heart screams in a silent body.

[I know this is only stress. My mental state is like a kid with a scab--you just can't help but pick at it. Water pools slightly in the bottom of my eyes. I know what this is, but that doesn't make it any less real.]

GOD CANNOT BE AS DISPASSIONATE AS THE CHURCH MAKES GOD OUT TO BE.

I found that written in a notebook from last week. I also found: "Depression robs you of your will." I think both are true. But they are more true on certain days.

("I feel a song coming on....")

There was also a half-essay/paragraph about thoughts on the creation story. Gimme a sec--let me find it....

I don't believe God has a gender. (I'll just use "he" because it sounds weird to constantly write "God" all the time, or to revert to saying "it.") He made Adam with full knowledge that he would later make Eve. Maybe Eve had already been made. Maybe it was like being in a huge club when you can't find your friends even though they're only 50ft away. I think God gave Adam some "alone time" so at least once in history, a man would be truly and wholly thankful that he had a woman around.

That last bit was written to be more ironic than anything else. I don't really dismiss men so readily.

Also, Eve can't have been made from Adam's rib. Otherwise, they'd have had the same DNA. Although...that would be greatly symbolic of the whole point of marriage, sex, etc., which is to become ONE with the other person....But then, DNA would dictate that Eve would be male, too. UNLESS Adam didn't have a true gender. In which case, neither would Eve.

Now THAT's an interesting creation story....


So, you see, it's more of an idea in the works, but Xians just don't bother to apply science and reason to their beliefs. That's why evangelists piss off so many people (me included). They put the "dog" in "dogma." (Dunno who puts the "ma" in there, but somebody must.)

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[EDIT]

I'm in the middle of several crises right now, and this is just the tip of the iceberg of one of them. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I believe, and above all else, I cannot remember anything....

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