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Random Thoughts [Written 03/18]

Out the window to my right, I see perfect blue sky, open, supported by harmless masses of distant bright clouds. On the window before me, I can barely make out the droplets of water that pound against the finely warped glass.

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It's not fair that I have to be alive, that I have to go blindly into death someday. I didn't choose this and probably wouldn't have, given the choice. If there is hell, what's the point? Why create something only to destroy it, make it suffer? It's so hard to tell what's a religious experience and what's mental illness. We are all trapped by the function of the contents of our skulls.

Everything's connected and I know it's connected, I know that it's the tip of the iceberg, but I don't know how, and that bothers me. Math and art were thought for centuries to be unrelated, but there's as much beauty in the precision of a fractal as there is in the wild lines of Marcel Duchamp's Nude Descending a Staircase. There is unconscious science in the balancing of a painting or a sculpture, and there is art in the color and structure of chemicals. But the picture is too big and I am too small to see it. It's like an ant looking at your face: it can only see an expanse of skin broken at intervals by tree-like hairs. It cannot read the expression of contemplation in the furrowing of your eyebrows. But why make us so small that we cannot understand? Is it so that we'd be easier to control? Perhaps if there are enough of us, if we communicate together, we can piece together the larger picture and see what the truth is. But as it stands, we've only made out an eye here, the curve of a cheek over there. We cannot see the entire face, and I don't know that we will ever be able to. Or perhaps we will, and then the earth will end. Once we have mapped out the face of God, we will no longer need to exist. Once we see the pained loneliness of our creator, will our own lives become moot? Why did God not create a partner, an equal, if he is so lonely? And if he is not lonely, why did he need to create us?

What if we are only God dreaming? What will happen when he awakes?

Of course, I could be totally off. My god may only be lonely and thoughtful because he is a reflection of myself. If I were happy and content not to wonder, would my god be carefree?

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