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Random Thoughts [Written 4/11]

It's a mystery to me that I keep getting older. I was supposed to die a long time ago--why do I keep living? There are so many things that could go wrong, that could end my fragile life--why don't they? God keeps stringing me along and I wonder why.

Sometimes I feel like Joan of Arc: God spares me in battle so that I can be burned at the stake. What will my stake be?

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I have been in a foul mood all day today. My fingers have been so cold, I haven't been able to type right. I was on an absurd high all last week and I knew it was only a matter of time before I came crashing back down. I don't know what vaulted me to those heavens, but I've been so depressed that the rain that drizzled all day today seemed sweet compared to the insides of my head.

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Why do people feel the need to protect me? What is it about me that makes everyone go out of their way to spare me any kind of suffering or discomfort? Why can no one understand that I am capable of making my own decisions about what I can and cannot handle.

Zeph was right: I do like to hurt.

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Have I really been away so long? What does time do to the human mind? Why does my body always revert to the same base state? Young, solid, empty, unmarked. In the end, the only person I truly know is me, which I find ironic for so many reasons. I am changing and unchanged. My experiences are like a tail of stars flowing out behind me, but my burning body is the same as it always was. Fighting to change, fighting to improve, reverting back again and again.

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