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Motherfucker Day [Written 4/12]

Today has been pretty horrible. I realized I was having a bad day when I knocked a random saltshaker off my desk and as I caught it in mid-air like the ninja I am I said, "Motherfucker," under my breath. The word seemed really familiar for some reason. That's when I realized that 90% of everything I uttered today was some form of that word. Which is impressive because I talked more or less non-stop for 3 class periods today.

I know why I'm having a bad day. It's a laaaaaaarge combination of things. (LIke stress at work, long work hours, problems with co-workers, and other work-related stuff. And a boyfriend problem which I will touch briefly on in a minute. And various physical ailments. And PMS. Although, now that I think about it, DDR has given me a goddess-body and you should see Ab's abs, they're fab. Which makes me mildly happy in the midst of this vast expanse of unhappiness.) What I don't get is why I haven't been able to type today or what's wrong with my brain. I've been writing these REALLY bizarre sentences half-embedded in other sentences. And I've been mixing up words. And I haven't been noticing a lot of this until the billionth time I've looked over it. Which really smacks of post-seizure trauma. Add to that the fact that I've had trouble speaking today, and it's kinda scary. I kept pronouncing "debate" wrong. Helllllooooooo?! I pronounced it wrong 3 times in class today. It was a tiny slip up, so I doubt anybody really noticed, but I certainly noticed. And it kinda freaked me out a little.

But what's upsetting me more than that is the fact that part of the conversation Shinya and I had last night was not-nice. At the same time, I don't really want to write about it here because he's been saying stuff recently and I've had these little moments of, "That sounds like something I wrote in my lj recently--have you found my lj?!" It certainly wouldn't be hard to find my lj--there's only one Alexa Karuda I know of--but still.... He was talking the other day about how cheap words are--those were his words exactly--and I was like, "Uh, I wrote exactly that in my lj not long ago......" But I didn't say anything. I mean, if he hasn't been reading my lj, then maybe he and I have been having the same thoughts lately, which is freaky in a good way. And if he has been reading my lj, I dunno that I want to know. ::runs back through old entries and hides them:: Not really. I might hide some entries later on, if I think about it, or if I think I need to do it, but I'm sort of opposed to the idea of changing lj stuff just because somebody's reading it. And I would certainly never delete entries, because that's the same as lying. The most I'd do would be to hide them. But it just seems like changing what you've said in honesty is ethically wrong. To me. For me. (Urgh, my brain is getting weird again.)

It's late. I'd better get to bed. Another long day tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get smart again soon. Being seizure-tarded is really motherfucking annoying.

I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. My life was randomly fabulous last week. I should have known it'd fall this far. There's nowhere to go but down....

[Why make me love you and then reject me?]

I'm over-reacting because I'm sleep-deprived and sleep is what keeps me sane, but still. I realized that I have no idea how he feels about anything and maybe I've been stupid to fall so hard so fast. I figured he'd want to break up before leaving for Tokyo or before I left the country, and that would have been fine, but he talked about us getting to see each other after this summer and that sounded to me like longer-than-now long-term. And he said, "I love you," and he meant it and that changed things for me more than anything. How can you love me I'm ugly and gross and stupid and mean and whiny and ill? Defective and sick. My natural reaction is to throw out nets and try to drag him back.

But when he says, "I just want you to be happy," for the first time in my life, I feel the same way. I want him to be happy, too.

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