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There's nothing I can do about it

So I'm not going to be angry about it. Or upset. Or frustrated.

Or anything like that.

At WILD, which is this Saturday night, Live is playing. Leo told me last night and I was SO fucking pissed. Especially since, had I known ahead of time, I could have hopped a plane to see them, 'cuz this is Golden Week. I could have sat under E.K.'s nose and sung along to every song.

They fucking WAITED for me to graduate. Then they brought in my all-time favorite band. I listen to Live EVERY DAY. Even now. But there's nothing I can do, so I'm just going to let it go.

Besides, at least I got to see Eve6 up close and personal. Watching Max Collins perform in nothing but stonewashed jeans, a studded leather belt, and boots was fabulous. Especially since I was RIGHT THERE in front of him for the whole performance. And he was BEAUTIFUL. He had totally ripped (but not scary-ripped) muscles and tight abs and he jerked around on stage like he was in constant mid-fuck and it was great. ::happysigh::

Still, this is the way my life goes. I'm leaving in an hour to see Purple Monkey Dishwasher instead of Live. Why? Because I'm on the wrong side of the world.

My apartment is Satan's cum-bucket. It's like that game mousetrap, only this isn't a game, it's hell. Example: this afternoon I turned to clean the dishes off my desk and the movement of the desk was just enough to knock my hitachi magic wand off the side which just tipped the edge of my trashcan full of tiny pieces of paper I had trimmed off pictures to hang on my wall, spilling thousands of pieces of paper (and millions of candy wrappers) all over my carpet. My wand has NEVER fallen off my desk before. Ever. It was waiting until the trash can was full to capacity and then some.

This is only a mild example of the kind of shit that goes on in this hellhole. It's like Satan's going around, waving his dick about in my apartment, making evil shit happen to me. It's REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.

But I'm at the point now where I don't have the energy to be upset anymore. So I just chalk it up on the great blackboard of "How Abby's Getting Fucked." The first couple of times, it was like, "Shit, you gotta be kidding me!" Then it gradually moved into simply swearing and screaming. Now, it pisses me off, but I can't do anything about it. There aren't any swear words left. There's nothing left to say.

I'm speechless and pissed, which is a bad combination. The problem then is that I internalize my emotions, reflect them in on myself. Which leads to beating and breaking. I've always had a bad temper, but I don't ever remember it being like this. Maybe because I'm alone and don't have to keep it like I do when I'm around others.

Well, have to get ready to meet Dan and his sketchy-sounding "friend from Japanese class."

I need to start taking martial arts classes again. I need to break somebody other than myself.

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September 2006
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