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I did it again

I so don't need to watch chick flicks. 'Cuz invariably, at some point, I get all sappy and start bemoaning my fate in a dating desert. Why isn't there some guy pining for me out of sight? Some guy that I'll gradually fall in love with. The love'll sneak up from behind me and suddenly he'll be the person I can't live without. I had that happen to me once. It was wonderful.

Now it's not so wonderful. It hasn't been since we broke up 4 or so years ago. I haven't dated since. I know that part of that is the fact that for the past 4 years, I've been in a different country every year. And, as I found out the hard way, I'm capable of handling a long-distance relationship, but other people aren't. And I just haven't met anybody who really swept me off my feet. I've met cute guys and nice guys and funny guys. Rich guys and smart guys and guys with funny accents. But I haven't met anybody who totally ate up all my waking thoughts. Who made me giddy and stupid even when he wasn't around. Who made me dance in my underwear and write poetry and draw pictures that mean I love you. What is it that creates that spark that just gives you extra energy when you think about a person? And how come some people who meet your criteria can't do the same thing? I was with a guy who was totally not 'my type,' and yet I fell harder for him than I've ever fallen before. What does that mean? And how come I fell for somebody who turned out to be a loser?

Why can't I fall in love anymore? Everybody keeps telling me that I just haven't met the right person yet, but I'm not so sure. I'm so cold and distance and critical of romantic love. It makes you make bad decisions. It makes you put up with stuff you shouldn't. It makes you suffer.

Did something inside me break?

I watched 'The Wedding Singer' tonight. The song Adam Sandler sings at the end always makes me cry. Always. I *so desperately* want someone who can honestly sing that song to me. Not that I want them to actually sing that song, but I just want someone who's crazy about me. And someone I'm crazy about. I want to be crazy about somebody. And yet I don't.

Ugh, I think too much.

And I need to lay off the chick flicks.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 12th, 2004 12:58 pm (UTC)
If it makes you feel better, I haven't been on a date since I was 18 and I've only been in love once.
Sep. 13th, 2004 01:24 am (UTC)
::high-fives:: We all fucking rock!
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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