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Invincible Days

Sometimes I have these days where I feel like I will never die. That the strength of the bond between spirit and tissue will last beyond violence or disease. That my flesh has no expiration date.

Yesterday was not one of those days.

Not to say that yesterday was bad--on the contrary, I got a lot done--but my heart is a constant reminder that I was not built to last. Sometimes it beats so hard that it rocks my body. I laid down for a short nap yesterday afternoon and I felt tremors running through the bed, like a mild earthquake. It was the loud, irregular murmur of my heart making the bed quiver.

Sometimes I wonder if my inability to keep a steady beat is the fault of my faulty heart. I'm always fighting my inner rhythm.

Sometimes I feel like my heart defines who I am. "Hi, nice to meet you. I have a bad heart." There was a show on TV here a few months ago about a man who had the same heart condition I do. He died when a stress overload caused his heart to malfunction. I hold my heart like it's a jewel, but it's not a treasure at all. Why should I worship the thing that will one day kill me? I wonder if it will kill me. Probably not. But it calls to me everyday. There's a semi-constant pain in my chest, like someone soaked the flesh there in a vat of discomfort and lit it. Sometimes it burns, sometimes it aches. Mostly it makes me restless. When I go biking or walk up stairs or do most forms of exercise, I feel that thu-THUMP that means my heart has fallen out of place again. I have to scoop it back up and put it back inside where it belongs.

It's hurting right now. It wants to screw up; I can feel it. I know it won't kill me, but that doesn't keep it from bothering me, or making me think. It makes me glad that I'm alive, and it keeps me from worrying about the future. You can't worry about something you don't know you have. Which is a good thing, I think.

On to other randomnesses:

Yesterday I ate half a jar of maraschino cherries. I have no idea why.

There's a thunderstorm outside. Hopefully, I'll get to ride home in it. But it doesn't seem likely.

I didn't bring an umbrella to work today, but I did bring my digital camera, and a study book for the GRE. ::shudders at the thought of the GRE:: Well, I'll have to take it someday soon.

I have ESS today. I hate ESS like the frickin' plague.

I had forgotten how to use a Japanese keyboard.

My Japanese is slower than it was at the beginning of this summer. My shrink made fun of me for it, and I'm still slightly annoyed.

They just came out with Japanese grape and annin-dofu jelly stuff that it's WONDERFUL. Yummy!!!

Autumn is my favorite season.

I used my tablet yesterday to work on revising some older artwork and ohmygosh I was able to draw actual individual hairs almost and it just rocks I can't stop talking about how much I love my tablet. My tablet. Yay!

I have to pee, then I have to go to ESS and eat my lunch and talk in Japanese because that's what we do in the English Speaking Society here, dammit all.

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September 2006
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