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I had a miserable day that left me feeling ill. My fingers are shaky and bile keeps pressing up through my stomach. I can't sit still and I can't get anything down and I can't relax and I can't think. I have half an hour before I need to be asleep. I'm nowhere near done with packing yet.

Tsu and I had a pretty nasty fight that keeps replaying in my mind. I couldn't do anything at the time but try to redirect the flow of the battle to other topics. I knew if I spoke my mind, things would get worse. I haven't been that angry since I was a teenager bent on my own destruction. My fingers went numb, my ears burst into flame, and I had to flatten my tongue against the bottom of the inside of my mouth to keep it from leaping out and cutting that [insert creative word for Tsu] down.

It's the fucking HYPOCRISY that slays me. If he practiced what he preaches, then I could stand to be taken down a peg, but he DOESN'T and THAT'S what riles me raging. What makes me crazy out of my mind screaming from somewhere deeper than my stomach or the arch in my back deepened from a body bent in anger. What makes me restless and upset and inconsolable. Being chewed out by someone more guilty of doing what I'm going to do than I am.

I'm leaving in the morning for Hokkaido. Apparently that's insanely unreasonable, according to Jesus Christ Tsu. Thinks he's fucking God incarnate.

I'm getting on the Twilight Express bound for Sapporo. It's a one-way train and I'm going to just go and get lost in the snow and draw and write and do nothing but enjoy myself by myself and get AWAY from this tiny tight circle of perpetual needless drama and gossip. I hate gossip. I hate hearing it, I hate the small pleasure I get from hearing something I shouldn't know about someone who isn't me, I hate the destruction it causes, I hate the way it moves. It's like a child's toy train set where each car is separately moving around and around and around in a circle, talking dirty about the car ahead, not realizing that the car behind is doing exactly the same thing. And eventually, everybody hits the same damn bump in the road and goes flying off the tracks.

Guess my number's coming up soon, so I'm getting off the track completely while I can. I'll be flying back to Itami on Sunday afternoon, so I won't get home until Sunday evening. I desperately hoping it'll be enough time to relax and recharge and cool down. I don't know where I'm going to stay, or what I'm going to do once I get there, but I'll have plenty of time on the train tomorrow to plan all that. I have my own little room with a bed and tiny bathroom on the train, so I'll have some solitude, which'll be nice. I finally broke down and decided to bring my computer with me, although I know it's going to be something of a pain. We'll see how it goes. I desperately need to be able to type out my thoughts, though. Writing just isn't fast enough anymore. Actually, typing isn't really fast enough either, but it's way better than writing is.

Here's hoping the snowdrifts can cool me off.

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September 2006
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