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Can't Sleep

The whole reason I'm on my new med is to wear the crap out of me during the day so I can sleep at night but I just can't seem to get myself in gear, get myself ready for bed and lying in bed doing nothing is really fucking boring. Really boring. It feels like such a waste of time. My anxiety is worse than it's been in years and I'm not doing really well. I'm lonely and unhappy. I couldn't shake this constant feeling of unhappiness while I was in Hokkaido. I even took a picture of myself being unhappy in the snow. How could cold-loving me be unhappy in a world of snow up to my thighs? I was looking at all the beauty of the natural world in winter around me and it didn't make a dent in my foul mood. Not a dent. Not a scrape, not a scratch. Nothing. I was just bored and unhappy. And stressed. There was nothing to do, nowhere to go, and I was stressed. The thing that keeps me sane is that I only have 1 more semester here. I love Japan. I love my friends here. But the people I work with are really getting to me. The constant fucking drama. I found out today that the circles of gossip go further and deeper than I thought they did. How can I improve, how can I fix things if you don't COMMUNICATE with me? I'm just going to play nice until I'm out of here. I'm through with this place. I'm through with these people and their narrow, sorry lives. You can only insult me so many times before I finally start to notice you, and when I notice you, you're going to be unhappy.

I just wish I didn't need so much sleep. Who the hell needs 10 hours of sleep a night? Sometimes even with 10 hours, it's not enough. I just don't understand. I know that depressed people need more sleep than other people--hahahaha, the irony--but give me a break. 10 hours? I think about all the things I could do in 10 hours, all the things I could do in the 30 minutes it takes for me to fall asleep. All the things I could write, all the drawings I could do, all the emails I could read or how much laundry I could finish. I have no clean dishes left, my apartment is a horrific mess, and I don't give a shit. I just can't shake this funk and I don't know what to do about it. It seems like everybody's doing badly these days and I hate to be one of the crowd, but nothing I do seems to work. I bought a bunch of crap when Kelsye and I went to ACTA tonight, hoping it'd make me feel better, but it didn't. I couldn't care less. I have a really beautiful incense burner now (sorry, Kelsye). Yay. I'm thrilled in a "I couldn't care less" way. I hate being like this, I hate feeling this way, but I'm stuck.

Why doesn't this emotional car have a "drive straight" button? Where's a mechanic when I need one?


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Mar. 14th, 2005 11:29 am (UTC)
I do'nt know what to say, so I'll wordlessly send (((HUGS))). I empathize with you deeply: anxiety, insomnia, thrilled to numbness.

At least you are going to come back here soon for school and you never have to see any of those people again if you don't want to. They don't matter in the grand scheme of Abby's Life.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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