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Worry [Started 04/13]

Cosmic genitalia again. I would throw a fit except that now I truly do not care. The things in my apartment scream that they want to be on the floor and I do not hear them.

This week has had whispered promises of white but I do not hear them. There has been enough gray to balance things out. To keep me afloat.

I try to balance things out in my life but everything seems to come in waves. Feast or famine. Just when one things goes right, another goes awry.


[Continued 4/16]


Looks like my earlier fears were well-founded. I went to bed at 2am last night. I woke up briefly at 5am, maybe?--eyes fluttering in that horrible half-awake headachy way they haven't done in a while. I ducked under the covers to block out the light, calm myself down, and sleep.

I woke up again at about 7:15am. It wasn't gradual at all--it was a sudden start. My body jerked itself straight and stiff. I wasn't in bed. I was lying on the floor at an odd angle, halfway between my bed and my dresser. My eyes shot open just as I woke up and I saw the carpet my nose was pressed against. My covers were twisted around my legs. I lifted my head off the floor in surprise as a "What the fuck?!" escaped my mouth.

I don't know how long I had been lying face-down on the floor of my bedroom. I have no memory of even getting there in the first place. Combine that with the fact that the whole right side of my tongue has a clear imprint of my teeth, along with burst blood vessels, pain, and swelling, and there's only one conclusion I can come to.

I had a seizure in my sleep last night. There are no doubts in my mind that I got out of bed in pre-seizure shock, lay down on the floor, and seized. I don't know how long it was, or how bad--although I don't think it was too bad, since my muscles aren't sore at all--but I do have some bruises in weird places--like the top of my right shoulder blade, or the left side of the base of my skull--which means I hit something.

[Continued 4/17]

Talked with Dad about it today and we both agreed that it was probably caffeine-induced. Dad explained that caffeine causes seizures--something I didn't know--but I had noticed on my own that my condition tended to worsen the more caffeine I consumed. The only problem is that caffeine feels REALLY GOOD. Really good. It's not a sky-rocketing drug high, but it is a high, and it's caused by a drug. But I can't keep having seizures like this, so I'm going to have to taper off my caffeine consumption. Dad said that Mom's addicted to caffeine in a pretty major way, and he wondered if maybe I got the caffeine-addiction gene from her.

Hopefully this is all it'll take....


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 17th, 2005 05:33 am (UTC)
yeah, i'm addicted to dr.pepper. I know how you feel there...but you seem to know what you have to do....chin up...you've come so far :)
Apr. 17th, 2005 09:59 pm (UTC)
^_^ Thanks for the kind words. ^_^ It's just that caffeine is a hard addiction to break....
Apr. 17th, 2005 02:46 pm (UTC)
Oh, yikes, babe. :/ I'm not sure if you've talked about it before, but do you have epilepsy? It sounds like that, or some variant thereof...

Honestly, I think you should get checked out if you haven't already. There are some good therapies available.

Also, I thought your entries about "I love you" were excellent. You're a really, really good writer. Please remember that!
Apr. 17th, 2005 10:02 pm (UTC)
I got tested for epilepsy over the break, and I came out clean, so that isn't what's causing the seizures. My doctors did agree, however, that the seizures are stress-induced, which sucks because it's not like I can take the tension out of my job. >_< I'm just going to try cutting out caffeine, first, then I'll work on reducing my daily stress levels.

Thank you for the kind words about the "I love you" entry. Being told by a good writer that I'm a good writer really has my ego dancing! ^_^
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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