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I built a wall.

I built several, in fact. Some are stained brick. Some are open, smooth dry wall. Some are cheap, splintered wood, put up in a hurry, more for form than function. To give myself the illusions of freedom and space, I painted murals across all of them in bold greens and blues. Reaching skies and waving fields and sliding seas. I still felt confined, so I used tawny yellows and throat-deep reds for light and color.

There was a chair in the middle of my self-created room and so I sat on it and marveled at the fiction around me. I gazed out across the eternally still ocean and slowly forgot that anything existed beyond the painting, that I had once existed beyond the painting.

That was until last night, when the paint began to crack.

It is impossible to run endlessly through the expanses of grass filling the focus of your vision with a large, crooked line blocking your path. You cannot laze in the boughs of split trees. There is no way to glide through a sky riddled with black lightning.

The walls themselves are intact. They show no signs of wear or damage. But the fact remains that I have been reminded of what lies beyond my lovely walls. I have been slammed in the face with the knowledge that this is a fiction, and only a fiction. As pretty and as well-constructed as my lie is, it is not reality, and it is doomed to eventually fade.

The paint has buckled a few times before, but it was so easily fixed with my small palette. This time, however, I know that I don't have enough paint or brushes or talent to patch the rifts.

And so I sit here, scared, waiting for the fractures to deepen and the walls to pull themselves apart and for the dark things waiting beyond to begin their old, painful seduction. I can hear them already. I can't tell if it's all in my head, or if they're really calling to me; I can't tell if I'm stronger now and can move beyond this hurt, or if I'm still the same weak girl as before, licking her wounds and reveling in the sweetness.

I guess in a little while, I'll know....


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 8th, 2005 06:00 am (UTC)
Of course you're stronger.
Jul. 8th, 2005 09:09 am (UTC)
Your writing here is mesmerizing.

I don't know what is wrong but I think you are smart enough and strong enough to face it and win.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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